Euro Truck Simulator

This is it, people. The game you have been waiting for. Euro Truck Simulator. Maybe you’ve always wanted to see Europe but you’re too lazy to go. Maybe you live in Europe and you don’t have a driver’s license for some reason. Or could it be that you’ve always secretly longed for the open road, but didn’t want the freedom of a car with quick acceleration and nice handling so you decided to drive a semi instead. Well, this is the game for you. If, for some reason, you enjoy driving for extended periods of time on the freeway.

Get your Big Gulp ® and a family size bag of Cheetos to go along with those caffeine pills because it’s gonna be a long, lonely road. The only company you’ll have is truck stops and the lifeless shells of humans that are the other drivers surrounding you, always out of reach, always demanding you honk your horn by offering that lewd gesture.

Actual features, from the developer:

Pick up a variety of cargoes, and deliver them on time! Highly realistic, meticulously detailed models based on real trucks. Actual working instruments such as flashing indicators, temperature and low fuel warning lights, wipers, and a full set of gauges. Pan the camera around the cabin, just as if you were actually sitting at the wheel.

Good god. So it’s like I’m really sitting inside of a car. But wait! There’s windshield wipers! Blinkers! Let me tell my four year old nephew because he loves that shit. How about some actual conflict to make for interesting gameplay?

 Here’s what you should do with your $3.05. You should go to eBay and purchase a little movie called Over the Top starring a Sylvester Stallone. He is a truck driver/arm wrestler and it is one thousand times more interesting than this piece of crap game. Verdict: Skip it.

 

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