Stronghold Crusader HD

Stronghold Crusader HD + Stronghold Crusader Extreme is an RTS game like that movie starring Orlando Bloom that came out in the 2000s called Kingdom of Heaven. It was pretty good actually but it was released too late, it was an epic film in a time when the public was tired of epic films. Anyways I guess back in the day certain religions didn’t like each other and they didn’t like each other so much that they ended up fighting over it. The gist of these fights was basically something along the lines of “My religion is right and yours is wrong so I’m gonna kill you,” or something like that, it’s funny how silly people acted back in the day. Luckily we don’t have to deal with that kind of ass-backwards thinking anymore. Anyways Orlando Bloom and this ruler named Saladin really went at it.

If you’ve ever played a Civilization game with Saladin in it you’ll know that he is aggressive and does not enjoy letting anyone live peacefully. Seriously, Saladin is kind of a jerk, he is rivaled only by Tokugawa or Montezuma in his angry aggression. If you don’t enjoy getting destroyed by Saladin you probably shouldn’t play this game. On the bright side you can launch diseased cows over walls that make people sick. I’m not sure if that is historically accurate but it is definitely hysterically accurate, you know what I mean? I haven’t seen cows launched in this way since Earthworm Jim.

Speaking of which, the graphics in this game look about as dated as Earthworm Jim’s. They slapped an HD tag on the game because the game supports widescreen mode. There is HD resolution that does absolutely nothing for the textures of the game. It just kind of makes everything smaller. But at least there is widescreen, it makes it a lot easier to see. Ever play Starcraft in 640×480 on a 28 inch 1920×1200 monitor? Ouch. This game doesn’t have that problem but let’s be honest it definitely looks pretty bad. Funny bad at least, and tolerable.

This game is your basic “get an order from the king who got a message from God to kill all infidels so you have to do what he says because you are just a peasant who lives in his own filth and this is your only way out” simulator. What that means is as the king you will gather resources and then with those resources send wave after wave of men with pointy sticks to their death, all in name of proving you have the bigger wang or something.  

I’m honestly not sure if this screen is from Stronghold or Sim Ant

Anyways Stronghold Crusader HD is 66% off and $3.39. That’s not bad but this game came out in 2002! I feel like it could be at least 75% off. It’s fun and there’s multiplayer but you might not be able to find anyone to play the game with you. Anyways, the orig Stronghold HD is only $1.99 right now, you might be better off with that one if you’re curious. Verdict: Skip it.

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