Day of the Tentacle 70% off

In Day of the Tentacle you play a giant tentacle who flies a TIE fighter and tries to squash the Rebellion (AKA the Whale Menace).

In Day of the Tentacle you play a giant tentacle who flies a TIE fighter and tries to squash the Rebellion (AKA the Whale Menace).

This version of the game has been remastered by Double Fine. They are basically super good at drawing I guess, this game has less pixels than the original, it’s real smooth like.

Anyways, Steam Daily Deal loves a good adventure game and they also love a good Lucas Arts game and they love a good 70% off, if you like moving your mouse cursor across a static screen for 15 (1.5) minutes before getting frustrated and alt tabbing to go look at the answer on GameFAQs you should probably get this game. Also if you like good games you should probably get this game.

 

Jazzpunk

Jazzpunk is a comedic stylish first person adventure type game. You are a spy in Russia or something and you have to infiltrate buildings and probably women, then make off with the goods. It looks really good, it’s a combination of voxel-type graphics, crazy skyboxes and cool environments. This is the definition of a stylish indie game. It’s even got good graphic design and easy to read yet good looking fonts! How about that!

Gameplay is really easy but pretty funny. It’s less about winning and more about exploring the environments and enjoying the funny jokes. The writing is consistently inane and funny. It’s supposed to make fun of spy films from the 60s. And it does. There are also some easter eggs in there, like when you get hurt the indicator is the same as the one from Goldeneye for the N64. Actually this whole game has the color scheme of an N64 game like Mystical Ninja Starring Goemon, the greatest game ever created. Anyways, you basically just run around and mess with stuff until funny things happen. And they will happen. You can pick gum off of the underside of a table and eat it. Comedy gold! There are also lots of puns about video games and computers. Take a byte out of crime.

It reminds me a lot of Gravity Bone and if you haven’t played it yet you should definitely check it out here, it’s free. Same concept, slightly different executions. Both absurd looks at spy movies with funny technology, huge computers, and men in coats. Jazzpunk and Gravity Bone even share a similar visual style, although Gravity Bone is more boxy. Voxely? I don’t know. It is also only like 20 minutes long though.

The biggest issue with Jazzpunk is its length to price ratio. It’s only about 4 hours long and its currently $5.09. That’s more than a dollar an hour. There are a few massage places in Koreatown that charge less than that. However, the game is hysterical and really well done. It’s better than paying $12 for a movie in the movie theater though. If it was $2.50 it would be a must buy. But even at $5.09 you will get quite a few laughs out of it and it’s probably worth it. Verdict: Buy it.

Disney’s Math Quest with Aladdin

Steam Daily Deal today is CANCELED because of the sudden death of Robin Williams. You may remember Robin Williams as the monkey man from Jumanji or the clown doctor from Patchy McAdams or maybe even the crossdressing transgender rights advocate Mrs. Doubtfire. Maybe you somehow missed all of those movies but odds are if you have a soul you saw Aladdin at some point. He was the genie. And the only game he ever lent his voice to was Disney’s Aladdin Math Quest, which is not actually on sale on Steam. Apparently he was also a gamer, he told Jimmy Fallon or Kimmel or whoever he enjoyed getting pwnt in Call of Duty by ten year olds. He also named his daughter Zelda.  

So here’s to that crazy genie with all the silly accents. I attempted to play the Russian version of this game but it crashes on Windows 8 so the only other option was to watch a series of Let’s Play videos. Some of which were recorded by an actual camera several feet away from the CRT monitor, in the dark. That should give a kind of indication as to the popularity of this game. Although it can still be purchased on Amazon. I will say there is a surprising amount of recorded dialogue and it’s pretty impressive they got Rob-Will to do the voiceover work at the height of his powers. Although it’s Disney so he probably made one billion dollars.

Yep, it’s Aladdin alright. I can tell by the hole in the pants. Speaking of which, it’s really apparent that Aladdin’s pants look like a giant sack. Inappropriate.

Anyways, the game is your standard point and click adventure and there’s not a whole lot of actual math involved. It’s mostly just learning how to count. For that reason I recommend playing it while so drunk that your brain has reverted to being six years old. I think I could count when I was six. How much would this game have actually helped? If nothing else it definitely would have made me try and eat some bugs I’ll tell you that much. But the animation and art and voice acting are all top notch. If you have small children or you are retarded, you might get a lot of value out of this game.

Verdict: RIP Genie

Syberia II

Syberia I and Syberia II are pretty cool. And by cool I mean cold. Because they’re set in the ice cold world of some mystical snow land called Syberia. I always wondered about this game because it had the kind of hot, kind of weird looking woman on the box that kind of looked like a classy Lara Croft. Maybe it will look familiar to you too.

See what I mean? She has that weird 90s prerendered digital look that Lara Croft often had on two page spreads in Computer Gaming World back in the day. The USA Today calls it “…A Solid Pick.” Now that’s what I call a glowing review right there. A solid pick for what? Obviously not the Best Adventure Game of E3 because JustAdventure already made that declaration and those guys LOVE adventure, it says so in their name, they probably don’t even like Indiana Jones because there is too much Action mixed in with their Adventure so I  think we should trust their review.

Basically, you wander around a frigid Winterland pointing and clicking your way onto a train, and then off of a train, and then some other stuff happens, and you get to live with penguins for awhile and ride on top of a woolly mammoth at which point you get to spar with a bunch of sabretooth tigers jumping and biting all over the place just like that scene where the the T Rex fights the raptors in the museum in Jurassic Park. FYI/Spoiler Alert: Some of that stuff might not be true, I can’t really remember.

The biggest complaints people have with this game are that the puzzles are either too easy or too hard, which is probably true and the biggest problem with any kind of point and click adventure game. The other complaint is that it’s unrealistic. Which is probably the worst possible complaint about a FANTASY GAME. There’s no penguins in the arctic you say? Yeah well there’s also no woolly mammoths. And there sure as hell isn’t a half goat half seal creature. Another reviewer complained simply that it was physically impossible for a robot to operate using only a heart. Welp, you got me there. Sorry, Syberia II. I guess the fact that your name is spelled a different way is really just a typo and not an indication that this is a fictional location.

That bed was made for boning

Anyways, if you love point and click adventure games you might as well try Syberia II, or possibly Syberia I. The sequel is in fact a sequel but there is a nice recap of the first game so playing through the first isn’t required. The game looks and feels surreal and the story is pretty interesting. It’s also only 99 cents so you won’t be breaking the bank. 99 cents! If you don’t like point and click adventure games then Syberia II will probably not change your mind. Verdict: Buy it.

Just Cause 2

The best way to describe Just Cause 2 is to call it by it’s true name: Just Cuz 2. Get it? It’s a play on words. As in Just beCause 2. Why does the main character, Rico Rodriguez, have the best stereotypical name and accent possible? Just Cause. Why does he work for a fictional CIA who thinks the best way to dismantle a tyrannical regime is to cause as much havoc in the general population as possible? Just Cause. Why did he attach a poor civilian just trying to ride home from a long day of work at the farm via grappling hook to the back of a jet and then take off with the jet so that poor civilian flew through the air at a dangerous speed? Just Cause. Why is there a massive, floating dance club hung by two air balloons that you can parachute on called the Mile High Club? JUST CAUSE. This game is BADASS.

 This game is so good, seriously. It looks like the stupidest game ever from first glance. Maybe it is. But in an Arnold Schwarzenegger in Commando kind of way. But that’s not even fair because this movie blows every action movie ever made out of the water. What’s my evidence? Just Cause. OK I’m done. The evidence is that you can pretty much do anything you ever wanted to try in a video game as far as transportation goes. You have a grappling hook and parachute combo that essentially allows you to fly and makes you impervious to any kind of car/plane/helicopter/tuk-tuk crash. And it’s easy. All you have to do is mash the space bar right before impact and you fly away. What this means is you can get in any kind of insane situation and immediately bail out of it. If you are on a boat in the middle of the ocean and there is a North Korean chopper after you (editors’ note: they’re not actually North Korean) and the chopper fires some missiles, in about 1.5 seconds you can be out of that boat while it explodes beneath you and meanwhile you are grappling onto the chopper punching that commie in the face and throwing him out the window. Then you fly that chopper to the beach for some good old Texas BBQ with some jackass called the Sloth Demon. I can’t make this up and it’s not even the best thing that happens in this game.

There are so many moments that make you go HOLY SHIT it never gets old and the game encourages you to push the engine to its limits.

Press X to roundhouse kick a car into oblivion

As if you needed more reason to buy this game, some glorious man released a multiplayer mod for it that downloads through Steam as well and it’s free. The shooting is probably the least fun part of this game and it’s the least fun part of multiplayer too. But there is fun stuff like teleportation and races and griefing other players. More importantly there is a turbo button. And the turbo button makes you go approximately 10000 miles per hour and combining that with the game’s physics is obviously hilarious. Basically, boats can fly and other crazy things.

Just Cause 2 is currently on sale at 80% off for $2.99. This is a phenomenal deal. You know why you should buy this game? Just Cause. OK now I’m really done. Verdict: Buy it.

Alice: Madness Returns

Alice: Madness Returns tells the story of Alice returning to Wonderland, and by association, returning to Madness. See how that works? Me too. Chances are at some point you have probably heard of this mystical place. Maybe you’ve even rode the teacups at Disneyland or smoked an illicit, foreign substance out of a pipe with a giant caterpillar. Well, this game is like if you did both of those things together, for several hours, and then ate the caterpillar.

Well prepare to celebrate your/her unbirthday for 364 days out of the year. Actually don’t, because the unbirthday in this world is probably both sick and twisted. I don’t want to get into it but anything revolving around the word “unbirth” in this game is going to be disgusting. And there’s probably not even cake. Do you remember American McGee? I don’t. What happened to that guy? I guess it was that game Bad Day L.A. Too bad. They didn’t even let him put his name on this game. That’s totally his thing! Also he designed levels in Doom II? What! That’s the best game out of the series and it’s not even close.

Anyways, you’re familiar with the way Wonderland works. Well it works the same in this game. Drink stuff and get tiny or get huge and float with your dress. Also, stab people, a lot. The game adopts a pretty animated graphical style that is surprisingly faithful to the cartoon. Not shown: copious amounts of blood after Alice attempts to eat the still-singing flowers.

It’s hedge clippin’ time

Well, if you like Alice and/or Wonderland and/or American McGee this is probably a good game for you. The game takes around 18 hours to complete, which at $4.99 is a pretty good deal. It’s not quite the sweet spot of entertainment to time commitment ratio that I’m looking for but it’s certainly not a bad thing either. It’s current price is a little on the steep side…so you could go either way…but let’s just say verdict: Buy It.

Evoland

Evoland is a short story of adventure video games evolution. And when they say short story, they mean short. Like two hours short. Also your character is pretty short. Also the buildings and the trees in the game are pretty short too. Basically everything about this game is short. It probably should have just been called Evo. Because that’s short for Evolution. You see where I’m going with this?

The concept of the game is pretty cool at least. You start the game in its most retro form and eventually unlock more modern features, and everything gets upgraded, including the graphics. That’s really all there is to it though. It’s basically the story of the growth of Zelda and Final Fantasy. If that sounds interesting enough for you to play or you want to roll around in your own nostalgia like some kind of filthy animal, well you just go ahead.

What I want is for somebody to take this concept and run with it. I want the linear weapon and enemy progression of Doom II on a grand, modern scale. Or does this exist already?

Evoland: A Short Story is currently on sale at 75% off for $2.49. That’s pretty cheap but at a price per hour standpoint it’s not that great of a deal. Verdict: Skip it.