Day of the Tentacle 70% off

In Day of the Tentacle you play a giant tentacle who flies a TIE fighter and tries to squash the Rebellion (AKA the Whale Menace).

In Day of the Tentacle you play a giant tentacle who flies a TIE fighter and tries to squash the Rebellion (AKA the Whale Menace).

This version of the game has been remastered by Double Fine. They are basically super good at drawing I guess, this game has less pixels than the original, it’s real smooth like.

Anyways, Steam Daily Deal loves a good adventure game and they also love a good Lucas Arts game and they love a good 70% off, if you like moving your mouse cursor across a static screen for 15 (1.5) minutes before getting frustrated and alt tabbing to go look at the answer on GameFAQs you should probably get this game. Also if you like good games you should probably get this game.


Disney’s Math Quest with Aladdin

Steam Daily Deal today is CANCELED because of the sudden death of Robin Williams. You may remember Robin Williams as the monkey man from Jumanji or the clown doctor from Patchy McAdams or maybe even the crossdressing transgender rights advocate Mrs. Doubtfire. Maybe you somehow missed all of those movies but odds are if you have a soul you saw Aladdin at some point. He was the genie. And the only game he ever lent his voice to was Disney’s Aladdin Math Quest, which is not actually on sale on Steam. Apparently he was also a gamer, he told Jimmy Fallon or Kimmel or whoever he enjoyed getting pwnt in Call of Duty by ten year olds. He also named his daughter Zelda.  

So here’s to that crazy genie with all the silly accents. I attempted to play the Russian version of this game but it crashes on Windows 8 so the only other option was to watch a series of Let’s Play videos. Some of which were recorded by an actual camera several feet away from the CRT monitor, in the dark. That should give a kind of indication as to the popularity of this game. Although it can still be purchased on Amazon. I will say there is a surprising amount of recorded dialogue and it’s pretty impressive they got Rob-Will to do the voiceover work at the height of his powers. Although it’s Disney so he probably made one billion dollars.

Yep, it’s Aladdin alright. I can tell by the hole in the pants. Speaking of which, it’s really apparent that Aladdin’s pants look like a giant sack. Inappropriate.

Anyways, the game is your standard point and click adventure and there’s not a whole lot of actual math involved. It’s mostly just learning how to count. For that reason I recommend playing it while so drunk that your brain has reverted to being six years old. I think I could count when I was six. How much would this game have actually helped? If nothing else it definitely would have made me try and eat some bugs I’ll tell you that much. But the animation and art and voice acting are all top notch. If you have small children or you are retarded, you might get a lot of value out of this game.

Verdict: RIP Genie

Syberia II

Syberia I and Syberia II are pretty cool. And by cool I mean cold. Because they’re set in the ice cold world of some mystical snow land called Syberia. I always wondered about this game because it had the kind of hot, kind of weird looking woman on the box that kind of looked like a classy Lara Croft. Maybe it will look familiar to you too.

See what I mean? She has that weird 90s prerendered digital look that Lara Croft often had on two page spreads in Computer Gaming World back in the day. The USA Today calls it “…A Solid Pick.” Now that’s what I call a glowing review right there. A solid pick for what? Obviously not the Best Adventure Game of E3 because JustAdventure already made that declaration and those guys LOVE adventure, it says so in their name, they probably don’t even like Indiana Jones because there is too much Action mixed in with their Adventure so I  think we should trust their review.

Basically, you wander around a frigid Winterland pointing and clicking your way onto a train, and then off of a train, and then some other stuff happens, and you get to live with penguins for awhile and ride on top of a woolly mammoth at which point you get to spar with a bunch of sabretooth tigers jumping and biting all over the place just like that scene where the the T Rex fights the raptors in the museum in Jurassic Park. FYI/Spoiler Alert: Some of that stuff might not be true, I can’t really remember.

The biggest complaints people have with this game are that the puzzles are either too easy or too hard, which is probably true and the biggest problem with any kind of point and click adventure game. The other complaint is that it’s unrealistic. Which is probably the worst possible complaint about a FANTASY GAME. There’s no penguins in the arctic you say? Yeah well there’s also no woolly mammoths. And there sure as hell isn’t a half goat half seal creature. Another reviewer complained simply that it was physically impossible for a robot to operate using only a heart. Welp, you got me there. Sorry, Syberia II. I guess the fact that your name is spelled a different way is really just a typo and not an indication that this is a fictional location.

That bed was made for boning

Anyways, if you love point and click adventure games you might as well try Syberia II, or possibly Syberia I. The sequel is in fact a sequel but there is a nice recap of the first game so playing through the first isn’t required. The game looks and feels surreal and the story is pretty interesting. It’s also only 99 cents so you won’t be breaking the bank. 99 cents! If you don’t like point and click adventure games then Syberia II will probably not change your mind. Verdict: Buy it.

Tex Murphy: Compilation

First of all this isn’t really a compilation or even a collection because you have to buy the games one at a time. But they are so hilarious that they must be looked at as a whole. Tex Murphy was a series of adventure games from the late 80s and the early 90s. They probably required a supercomputer the size of a wall in order to run back in the day but now they can run on your toaster. And perhaps that’s where they belong, in the toaster. Let’s just start with some screens. It’s the only way this game can be analyzed.

First up is Tex Murphy: Mean Streets. Besides the fact that this looks like my Friday night, we need to look a little bit deeper at what the text is implying. Tex Avery was trying to sucker punch a woman. He was obviously drunk, but that doesn’t make it OK. Not only does he fail at this attempt but then he gets the crap beat out of him by her, a woman, with a horse-sized wallop. I’m sold already.

Next is Text Murphy: Martian Memorandum. Look at this woman’s outfit. If her name was Ashlee or Rylee or anything with two Es instead of Rhonda she could be an American Apparel model right this moment. Smokin hot for the 90s though and let’s be honest she holds up pretty well today. There’s a whole Ghostbusters floating above the bed kind of vibe going on. There is no Rhonda, only Zuul, you know what I mean? What is the saddle exactly that she is referring to? Is she talking about the bed? Or could she be referring to herself as a saddle? Either way that is some lewd innuendo. This just keeps getting better and better. Saddle up, baby!

Now we have Tex Murphy: Under a Killing Moon. This screen becomes interesting when you look at it from a different perspective. Ol’ Tex Murphy is actually the man in the reflection and he’s talking to himself. He looks like shit and he’s only two weeks away from retirement, only he’s got no money and no wife to go home to. Tyler Durden always said you have to hit bottom, right? Tex Murphy jumped out of a plane with no parachute into the Grand Canyon. So you could say he’s going to hit bottom alright. Here’s where the game shifted into FMV, or full motion video. Allow me to copy and paste this from Steam’s store page:

Experience the power of full motion video and sound!

An exhilarating fast paced interactive mystery Guaranteed to Entertain You! 

  • The FIRST EVER Multimedia Entertainment Product 
  • OVER 24 MEG. of Sound and Graphics Excitement compressed to just over 7 Meg. 
  • Fully Animated TALKING Characters 
  • INTRIGUING Story Line 
  • IN DEPTH Character Development 
  • On Demand HINT SCREENS 
  • Rich MUSICAL SCORE – Digitized Sound Effects 
  • Supports ALL Major Sound Boards 
  • The Most Vivid, LIFELIKE GRAPHICS Ever Seen 
  • A Humorous, Thrilling Adventure With A KNOCKOUT ENDING!

You can’t make that stuff up. 24 MEGS, COMPRESSED TO 7 MEG!

And finally we have Tex Murphy, The Pandora Detective. Speaking of a great gag, he’s making a poop joke. See, he was looking at fake poop but it turned out to be real! That’s actually a pretty good representation of what FMV is like today. It looks fake but actually it’s just real shit.

The Tex Murphy Collection is currently on sale at $2.99 per game. That’s 50% off. Maybe if it was every game for $2.99 it would be worth it. But probably not. Verdict: Skip it. But watch some videos and the trailers because you’re really doing yourself a comedic disservice if you don’t.

Torchlight II

Torchlight II is the actual successor to the spiritual successor of Diablo II. Unless Torchlight I is the spiritual successor of Diablo I, and Torchlight II is the spiritual successor of Diablo II…either way, something spiritual is happening, in some order or other. Are all ARPGs that aren’t Diablo III spiritual successors to Diablo II? I’m thoroughly confused. About a genre that really isn’t supposed to be all that confusing. It’s supposed to be a lot of pointing and clicking in order to get The Loot. It’s really a cycle. You point and click to collect The Loot, but ultimately you only want The Loot in order to make pointing and clicking more effective…in order to get more Loot…see where this is going?

Anyways, you have probably heard of this game and maybe you even played the first one. The gimmick is it’s colorful and funny and there is a also a dog that goes to town to sell your crappy loot for you. How convenient! Seriously. It’s pretty convenient. There are several new additions to the character classes of Torchlight II. Four, to be exact. You’ve got Double Sword Guy, Steampunk Gun Guy, Elemental Wizard Guy, and also Double Gun Guy in case one gun wasn’t interesting enough for you. These classes replaced Scantily Clad Barbarian, Slutty Archer, and Wiznerd, although Steam Workshop integration means you can download some mods to get a few of those guys back if you are so inclined.

Gameplay is exactly what you would expect with a ARPG but it is very polished and it is very fun. Everything is colorful and bright which is either a blessing or a curse depending on how you like your games, but it matches the overall art style and it looks good. The story is terrible like everyone says and I don’t really even know what it’s about to be honest with you, but if you’re playing with somebody else like you should be they are probably going to skip it anyways and you don’t want to seem like this is the first time you’ve played this game like some kind of noob so you have to skip it too to make it seem like you know what you’re doing but don’t worry you wouldn’t have understood what was going on anyways.

My lunch!

Torchlight II is currently on sale at 66% off for $6.79. This is a great deal. It is a game that you can jump into and out of or you could sink several hours at a time into with your buddy. Of course, if you aren’t a fan of the ARPG genre or pointing and clicking this game isn’t going to change your mind. But if you like both of those things then what are you waiting for? Verdict: Buy it.

The Dark Eye: Chains of Satinay

The Dark Eye is a tabletop role playing brand that has been around in Europe for a few decades. Chains of Satinav is a point and click adventure game in English. Lucky for you, point and click adaptations of German tabletop fantasy are a little bit of a niche market. If this is your thing you probably already bought it. If that just sounds like a dirty sentence to you, well, then let’s look at the pros and cons.

You will either love or hate the art style. In all honesty the whole thing kind of reminds me of that show Reading Rainbow. The illustrations are very pretty as are the backgrounds. The animations are all janky but it’s like that on purpose. It’s a bit like a puppet show. I get it, these days you have to come up with an interesting art style to set yourself apart from the slews of other easily available games. The voice acting, on the other hand… hoo boy. Not so good. The story’s cool, though. You play the role of a scarecrow and nightmare ravens have come to wreak havoc on your farm town. It’s up to you to scare them off! Damn pesky crows.

I know that look. She mad.

The game is currently 75% off and $4.99. If this is your thing, go for it. But this isn’t the kind of game you can try once to get the full enjoyment out of it. It’s point and click adventure, and you know how that works. Verdict: Skip it.


Steam Daily Deal for Thursday, 3/6/2014: Broken Age

Broken Age is a point-and-click adventure game that is the direct result of a Kickstarter campaign by none other than Tim Schafer. It might be the game that single handedly kickstarted Kickstarter. I’m not positive but that’s definitely how I remember it. Tim Schafer has a glut of credits to his name, including “Never Actively Tried to Sabotage the Project. Tim Schafer, the Racoon King” in Star Wars: Shadows of the Empire. I think you could be wampas in that game, and that’s pretty cool. He also made Full Throttle, Grim Fandango, and Sid Meier’s Pirates!: Curse of Monkey Island. The point is, the man makes good games, and this one is no different.

According to the Steam description, highlights of the game include both “pointing” and “clicking.” Which is great! You can make your girlfriend play it. She might say, “Video games are a waste of time,” or, “Why don’t you get a job?” But then, she tries an adventure game. Pointing! Clicking! Dialogue choices! Taut, palpable emotion! It could work!

The game looks gorgeous. It’s surprising how so many games use the stylized-illustration-watercolor-sketchbook aesthetic, but manage to make each one unique. As far as gameplay goes,  I’m assuming you know how adventure games work, and Broken Age works the same way. There are two stories here, and the game is pretty short. But I heard you get the next episode for free. Which is good, because this game is a whopping $16.74.

Verdict: SKIP IT if you’re broke. But this game is good! BUY IT during the Steam Spring Sale. Which will hopefully be in a few weeks.